I guess my point now is that, I am the only one who can change who I have become. Seriously, it came pouring down on me the other night. I am the one constantly putting myself in awful positions. There is no one to change any of this but me. I need to get up, I need to start bangen out projects that have been hanging over my head for months now. When was the last time I truely put together something I was completely proud of? I can't remember that time, its been too long. This is a post I will without a doubt look back on and probably delete but I needed to put these things down somewhere. I need to get these thoughts out of my head so I can start thinking clearly again. At least we start decorating the tree tomorrow, and I will finally meet david and his tovah. hopefully soon I will start coming up with more blog worthy things. being 21 is the age for change I suppose. The age for getting over things and taking handle on ones life. At least for me that is.

21....wooo right?

I am having my very own Carry Bradshaw moment. At this time there is only three days separating me from being twenty-one, and I am in a place that is very different from where I originally saw myself. Call it a pre-birthday breakdown but I am having a panic attack. I mean I had thought by now that I would be with a man, a good man. Or at the very very least a man... not single still. I can tell you right now blog, I do not want to be one of those women who have their first child when they are 35. I'd like to have my first kid before I am thirty. I have been dating since I was 14, I am tired of this crap already. I have substituted the best I can recently. Buying guys sweatshirts, because I love wearing mens clothing. and another way I have coped to be completly frank with myself of course I have developed some unhealthy close relationships with men that were never going to be anything more than a friend to me.
So here I am, its 12:48 a.m. on the 14th of December single, and tired of being that way. This up coming year I am embarking I am changing nearly everything. Maybe its the fact that I think since what I am now isn't working that i need to be someone new. I am going to loose the weight and become more motivated this time. This time is different. This time I don't have my whole life a head of me. I have a good chunk left maybe...hopefully. We'll just see where I end up.

i am a horrible blogger. i am sorry dearest bloggy