Why?

Okay, why don't people understand that playing their music out loud on their computer for the whole world to hear is impolite? Its not like I am letting Julia Nunes blast out of my computer for the whole world to hear. No I am using my headphones like a good person. Guess what not everyone wants to listen to your throwback to middle school right now. Actually, I am now mentally and bloggally judging what kind of person you are. Just so you know. But I guess you will never know because A) there is no chance you read my blog and B) you won't even know I am talking about you even if you do read my blog. Because of course as the dumbass you are you would never think that I could be talking to you. Alright I will amend the fact that you are playing a song from Mulan, a song which I was singing just a few days ago at work. Mainly because of this video . But you singing along with it isn't necessary. Just let the world be. I am glad you have no self shame to prevent you from doing this and I am sure that this quality will help you in your life but in order for you to continue living that life I mentally urge you to SHUT UP!
I actually started this blog entry with other intentions, I even started planning it out. But the dumbass' at the table in front of me provoked in me rage and anger. ugh, well the Mulan thing dove tails nicely into one of the biggest topics I wanted to discuss. I don't know how well its known but the Disney company has a college program that has paid internships. There are thousands of positions open for all majors. I want to apply for it. I have yet to watch the 40 minute introduction video but I will when I go downstairs to use the computers in the lab. I think that it would be a great opportunity for me to get out of Michigan and find out who I am when taken out of my comfort zone. But of course there are many thousands of tiny details which prove difficult. The short list including, being away from my family for longer than I ever have before. Now I am admittedly a strong person, however that is when in my comfort zone and with my own bed to return too. Once taken out of that comfort zone and being put with complete strangers it is a slow process for me to regain that out going personality that I would like to think I am semi well known for. Then there is the bigger issue of what would doing this internship mean for my major. I am a elementary education major, what job could they need me for. How would this be beneficial towards my college credits? And then finally we have the glaring thought of work. I already have a good job where I typically get my pick of classes because I am one of the highest ranked. I know other people take time of for school and then end up getting screwed for hours once they return. Do I really want to have to face that problem. I don't thinkg they should hold me punishable for this because I took some time away from the job. I have worked year round for them. Five days a week, doesn't that mean anything anymore? Then there are the tinier problems of where would I get my medication? Would I bring my car down? Would this be a positive experience for me? Is this a good use of my time? And most if not all of this pivots on the point of weather or not I even get excepted. And I basically see myself getting hired as a lifeguard there or something. But who knows maybe I am completely wrong about this. I mean I have been wrong before... even thought I deny the fact. But the one thing that rings completely true is that I really wanna try for it and I feel like I would regret it if I didn't because it really is kind of a now or never thing for me. Dearest bloggy...what do you think?

How did I manage that?

The question on my mind and finger tips today is: How did I manage that? If I were to look back to a week ago, I was having a massive panic attack. Freaked out about how far behind I am. Or was really, I have caught up some. I still have so much work to do on math its not funny. everyone around me seems to be understanding it and I seem to be, lazy. When I leave math I feel completely ready to do the assignment. Problem with that is she doesn't post it up until 4 pm. So while time goes by I become less enthusiastic as I begin to do other things like read for my English class. We read an article called, "Writing Blind" by Margaret Atwood. And we had to pull one or two quotes that stuck out to us while reading. I ended up pulling I think four.

I just could not choose only one. Here are the ones I picked:

• "The word should is a dangerous one to use when speaking of writing. It's a kind of challenge to the deviousness and inventiveness and audacity and perversity of the creative spirit."
• "Those little black marks on the page mean nothing without their re-translation's into sound. Even when reading silently, we read with the ear, unless we are reading bank statements."
• "They will not put up with your lassitude or boredom: If you want their full attention, you must give them yours."
• "From listening to the stories of others, we learn to tell our own."

Many of those quotes couple well with my own personal thoughts on reading and more likely writing. These thoughts of hers are almost an exact translation of how I have felt for a while. Its like she was eavesdropping on my inner monologue. And then we have John Ciardi, he is an English teacher. We were to read an excerpt from a speech he gave at an English conference.

The quote I picked from his little thingy was, "And yet, though it seems paradoxical, creativity cannot spring from the untaught". This made me think really hard about everything I had began to believe. Is the only reason I am creative that I have been taught how to be creative? I guess I can agree that without being taught about what has been written or done that I would have ended up copying or repeating an idea. But I would really like to think that was born with this creative potential inside me. Unless he means that without being taught we could not adequately voice, or show our creativity. I don't know but I would love to hear the opinions of others. I think I may make a video response to 5AG and pose this question. I think they might like it. Who knows maybe they will actually respond.

NaNoWriMo is approaching soon. And I am so excited for the idea of it, however the actual feasibility of it seems impossible. What with school and everything. I think I might reach out to my newest mentor, one of my English professors and ask her opinion. Or even just fill her in on it if she hasn't heard of it already. I think that I feel as if I can do this whole 150 pages in 30 some-odd days thing, that I would have the confidence to try harder and make more of myself.

Ta-ta my dearest bloggy blog.

Oh, my heart I want you to be strong,

I want you to be all I believe in. So, I am slowly starting to climb out of this hole. Like really slowly. And the way i have been doing this is by cutting down on sleep. How healthy. Although, the speed I am moving at now I should probably double, possibly even triple. So after waking up confused because I couldn't remember what day it was, I ran through the energy I had before I even got into my car to drive to school. Half way to school I caught my eyes drooping. Not safe. So I promised myself that I could sleep in the car for a half hour before class because for whatever reason I get to school like an hour early. So safely parked I turn the car off and keep the radio on and lean back trying to sleep. Except every two minutes a car would go by with their headlights on. Or someone near me would slam their car door. And lastly I learned that my car seat is not comfy enough to sleep in. Poop.

So I walk to my class where I know what's coming my head bobbing up and down because I am so near sleep just sitting there trying to take notes. But this stupid condition only lasts until the end of that class then I am ready for a walk to the O.C. where I continue to fight to pull myself outta my hole. The attempts I have made are small but worthy of mentioning.

I can only hope to come out of this strong. I can only hope to come out of this passing. gah stupid stupid stupid mistakes I have made. I think I am much less overwhelmed now. Now I am just annoyed with myself.

I am gonna type up a quick list of things I need to remember.

-Buying new moon midnight tickets.

-looking into macs

-finishing homework

-emailing those people

-Finally mastering APA format.

Where the hell is the volume control???

Alright, I have screwed up. I have screwed up in the past sure, but not to this level of idiocy. I have to call upon every amount of brain power I have to climb out of the pit of crap I have ever so nicely thrown myself into. So for the next two months I am going to have to go work harder than I ever have in a semester. Seriously this is so stupid. I cannot believe I just let this happen. And of course its happened at the worst possible time ever. Not saying that there ever is a good time for this. But whatever. I shall prevail, I hope.
Have put even more thought into doing NaNoWriMo even with this massive set back I allowed to occur. I really want to try doing it. And who knows maybe if I push myself to complete all the mandatory nonsense in my life I could get a good short novel on it. Maybe by using the lessons I have learned thus far in college. Or more exactly the lessons I have learned about myself in college. Now part of me is yelling inside my head, " Jenny! What the hell are you doing being in the computer lab typing up a blog entry? We have a ton of crap to wade through. And Fast!" And to my inner voice I reply simply, I need this. And that is true. Being able to write down exactly how I feel during a stressful point in my life has helped. And I kind of reguard this and all of my former blogs as a road map, looking for old pitfalls and avoiding them with the rage of a thousand suns. Or looking for signs of good things and craving there arrival more than I crave a non-stuffed nose. So basically I justify this time spent on the computer as a preventive measure against letting this happen again.
Another perk that has happened from my blogging is that my typing speed and spelling has improved. I now can type at the speed my mind works. Which is nice when you have ADD coupled with Dyslexia. I think this will come in handy later when I am trying to type up a few papers in time that it should not be possible in. Thank god for my ability to pull all nighters and still be able to edit my work as I am doing it. Is that weird? To edit while you write for the longest time my English teachers would say write first without criticism, second with your editor hat on. And I have never been able to comply with that. Blame it on the whole Dyslexic thing, I mean for years while taking notes or doing math problems I have had to stop and think about what I am writing realize a mistake in a matter of seconds and correct it for time saving and so I can keep up with the lecture. Or finish a test on time. So it is just my nature to edit what I write right away. I need to fix things that are super noticeable because knowing me in my rushed state of proofreading I will miss it and damned if I don't get points marked down.
Something I really have to just get out of my system is this program called Aleks my math class has to use. And it's not just my math class but all math 112 classes at OU. Taking a step back and only getting a brief description of the program makes it sound useful and helpful for the student. But if one was to venture further into the topic, one would discover that it, like so many things existing in the real world *cough points at self* is flawed. How is it flawed? Well, there apparently has been a break down in communication when it comes to the combining of in class lecture and the actual homework that is written and assigned on Aleks. Because For the past month and a half I have attended every class every lecture and every exam. I have even gotten extra help, but as soon as I sit at the family desktop to do the online homework it is as if someone has reached into my head and scooped out all the knowledge. I have now narrowed down the problem; It comes in two parts. The first part is that the notes we take and the group work that is done in class is far more simple than whats on the program. So with a false sense of confidence my classmates and I sit at home screaming because we thought we knew what we were doing an here comes a computer program that I sometimes feel was designed to suck the will to be nice out of my soul. The second part is that the homework won't even be nearly close to what we did in class that day. And while a teacher might justify this by saying we have a day and half to do it, and we can turn it in more than one time and they will take the highest grade. I will reply to that with this sentence that has been used a million times before, thus making it in my opinion tired and worn out. "I have more going on in my life than just this one class. I do not have all the time in the world to devote to your class." How will I do well if the homework repeatedly screws me out of the littlest bit of hope?
And lastly I leave you with this. School is not the most important thing in the world. Work is not the most important thing in the world. Your sanity is far more important. Find what keeps you sane. For me it ended up being a lovely combination of blogging, vlogging and swimming. Oh, and screaming as loud as I can when no ones home helps too.
I am off to go read more on authors who are not really engaging me mentally. If only there was a class based off youtube. I would surely ace it.

Skype, expanding, decreasing, trying to be better. NaNoWriMo

As I sit in the place that I am in, (trying to be vague is not one of my strengths) I am searching my soul for the motivation to start on the pile of homework I have let stack up. And no where within my soul or mind can I find the motivation I need. I am so unmotivated on the topics of my classes. I have no drive to write on these topics. Nor do I care deeply for what my professor is trying to convince me is "modern" lit. She sees modern as something that happened within the span of the past 100 years. Where as I see it as something that came out within the last year. The types of books I am drawn to study and love is current. It is astounding how many new books have come out just within the span of a year. And most of them go relatively unnoticed. Unless they are highly controversial. It is within me to wager that without the influence of youtube I would have never ventured to find John Green and his amazing writing. (seriously guys check him out). Soon NaNoWriMo will be upon us. What is NaNoWriMo you might be asking. Well it stands for National Novel Writing Month. Where during all of November writers of all ages and abilities set out to write a 175 page or 50,000 word novel. In a month. As NaNoWriMo gets closer I am toying with the idea of trying it. I know that most people will tell me a few different things, such as: Jenny you have never written anything longer than 12 pages and that was for a class. The longest story you have written is four pages maybe. And finally possibly the most rational of these, what about school. you have fallen behind as it is.
And to those inquiries I reply, I know. The thing is for my NaNoWriMo project I think I will make it my own project. Over the years I have kept several no so consistent journals. It has always been an idea of mine to combine as much as I can and turn it into a fairly coherent auto biography narrative by myself. With a few side notes to explain more. But then again, this is just an idea I haven't even nearly begun to map anything out. And I think it is safe to say that I need to get all caught up on school work before I even consider doing this. I think I am taking a pretty mature approach to this. It has always been a dream of mine to write a book, novel, children's book. I do not want to only be a writer as a job. I want to teach, however the soul can want more than one thing.
I joined Skype finally. I have no idea what the hell I am doing with it. But like everything else I will work with trial and error. I wish more of my friends actually used it but for right now I have my hands full trying to get David to join.
This past Wednesday I got my blood work back from the doctor. My sugar levels were higher than they expected. Of course they want me to go back and take another test this time fasting before they take the blood. I went onto webmd just to try and find out what high blood sugar could mean. Well the number one answer I found was Diabities. Most likely type 2. Now I only have like 2 out of the 8 symptoms. Which I guess is semi comforting. However, this feeling of overwhemling doom is hard to shake off. Evan feels that I am being to sensitive. I don't know if that is completly true. But I guess its true that I had a large breakfast before that appointment because I didn't know they needed blood work. I have not felt like myself completely since I had ecoli. I guess only time will tell as to if I will get better or not. There is probably nothing wrong with me but that I am over weight and really could stand to lose some. Bleh. Well, I will cross that bridge when I reach it I guess.
Good day dearest bloggy, Now that I have updated you I feel that I can now push myself to do my homework!
Jennifer.

new blog today. without a doubt.